Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
