This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize