just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
