im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
