Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
