Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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