She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
