Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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