I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
