if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
