I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
