First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
