Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
