They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
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I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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