Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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