$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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