Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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