My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
