I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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