i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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