Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
