Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
