Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
