So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
