Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
