You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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