At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
