I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
