My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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