I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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