dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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