I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
