Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
