She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
