Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
