I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
