I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
