I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
