how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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