so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
