I puked a lego.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
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We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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