remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Randomize
