I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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