if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
