Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
