Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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