Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
