we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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