This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
