i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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