I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
