At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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