I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
did i just pee glitter
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
