dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
