I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
