who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Drake has all the answers
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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