I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
